vlad.tribnet.com / Issue #153 / Social life / Reading article...

Recently while heading to lunch at a cafe just off the lobby of a local office building, my girlfriend and I happened into the middle of a funeral. Perhaps a funeral isn’t quite the word — there was simply a family seated around an open casket and an aged dead man in a blue suit decorated with medals.

Several dozen mourners milled about. Others who had business there came and went, trying to get to the elevators or (like us) to the cafe without disrupting things too much. Someone had left a large bunch of orchids.

We squeezed past the family, and I felt the absurd desire to sit for a moment with them, to pay respect to a man who perhaps hadn’t envisioned it ending like this.

Instead we headed on, to reflect on mortality as we choked down a potato salad graced with canned peas and diced hot dogs. My girlfriend, who is Russian, told me it’s not uncommon here for the visitation to take place in the office, where the deceased had spent most of his or her waking life.

With that in mind, in the unlikely event of my early demise, I wish to make some requests before I will posthumously assent to a viewing at the Dalpress Building, where I work:

1. No security. I will make an exception for the 300-pound guy dressed in combat fatigues, since he cheerfully waves me over whenever a letter arrives addressed in English, Italian or Urdu. The pistol must stay in the desk.
   
2. The cleaning lady is welcome; however, she is encouraged to refrain from wondering aloud if my bad Russian pronunciation indicated a speech impediment.
   
3. Would somebody please fix the toilet that fouls the entire east end of the building?
   
4. Employees are asked to find something positive to say about their late editor. Those at a loss may discuss topics such as “Didn’t he say something about liking crab sticks?” and “I’ll bet he squashed a million cockroaches with that ruler of his.”

If anyone’s up for it, feel free to lighten the mood with a party in a nearby cafe. Just stay away from the potato salad. It’s deadly.