vlad.tribnet.com / Issue #161 / Opinion / Reading article...

I was very alarmed at reading about New York's rat situation ("Rats! New York's got it worse than we do," Jan. 22), but there is a good side to every problem. Did you not know that rat is a very good protein source? Of course it does have a high amount of hormones that tend to give New Yorkers their excitable attitudes. Please check your food next time you are in this great city.

I would like to tell you of our current dire situation in Mt. Vernon. It has become very dangerous to walk our streets at any time during the day or night. Police and state officials hide in their cars or in buildings from the coming horde. Grown men have been seen screaming and running for their lives. This is literally been the worst thing to hit my city in some time. State officials have been in close contact with local police and started intense training. I have also been trained to use one of the new weapons they have issued. The new weapon launches an explosive device capable of taking out some of the bastard horde. The local police just cannot control it anymore and have asked for extra help. I feel our military will be called in if the country boys cannot finish the job. The horror of war is close at hand here. We have been invaded by crows and they are s---ing on everything! There are so many crows landing in the trees it is breaking limbs the size of your arm off. Children are not allowed to play outside now because one fall would render them a casualty. Umbrellas have been sold out and fighting in some shops have been noted. Our local supply of shotguns and shells are almost exhausted. Bubba is selling homemade slingshots down at the corner except his recent supply of car inner tube started breaking. It is easy to tell who ended up with one of Bubba's defective slingshots because they usually have a red streak across their face and are muttering something about money back guarantee among several other less printable comments.

There is a good thing to all this! Crow Pies at the Main Street Diner are $1.99. It is BYOU -- Bring Your Own Umbrella.

I hope you do not mind a little real life humor from my part of the world. I just returned from Ukraine, and to be honest, life in parts of this planet is rough. I had a couple reasons for going there, but I must admit life is teaching this 35-year-old farmer many things. I am active in agriculture programs that deal with current problems facing the former Soviet Union, and I hope my efforts will benefit food production worldwide. I will admit doing this is about as hard as keeping the "Pallada" floating. It is going to take much work from many people.

By the way, I really liked article on the bowling alley ("Strike! Bowling alley opens," Jan. 22). It made me feel good that I am not the only person who bowls like that. Maxim Volkov will probably have to explain a few things to me. You should have seen a recent article about a bowling alley in Tell City, Indiana. It seems that a young man was parking his van when his accelerator got stuck. This then sent van and driver on an interesting journey. It was really sad, because it took out an Elvis statue ina miniature golf area. Some local citizens have since restored Elvis, but he is missing some major body parts. The Tell City Bowling Center's bar was a little less lucky. Part owner Randy Cole said, "It kind of shut the bar down." (Randy is not a man of many words -- he just tells it like it is) Luckily, no one was injured, as the van plowed through the wall and stopped at a pool table and the vending machines near an inside wall. Cole also said bowling continued, despite the drafty conditions. The next day much media attention was still being given to this major landmark, along with a temporary wall. "It looks about like you drove a van through it," Cole said. The bar is closed until insurance officials complete inspections. It is now BYOB -- Bring Your Own Beer.

Believe me this really happened.

There were headlines like:

• Man accidentally drives van into bowling alley
  
• Large hole in wall closed bar not bowlers
  
• Contributions for Elvis statue being sought

This might say something about my people's priorities in general? Life in America can get a little strange sometimes, especially when you do not realize the "key" to your problems.

http://vn.vladnews.ru/issue159/Opinion/Rats_New_York_has_it_worse_than_we_do