vlad.tribnet.com / Issue #611 / Vladivostok by Braille / Reading article...

I grew up in the United States so I know a good hamburger when I see one and one of my first questions upon arriving in Vladivostok regarded the fast food situation. I rejoiced to hear that there were several restaurants that mimicked Western chains but soon realized that I would not be frequenting these places.

Fast food was not a staple of my diet in my childhood but I enjoyed the occasional trip to McDonalds or to any of the three dozen fast food restaurants in my city. I have to admit that I am not a picky eater but after making a worthy effort to consume some of Vladivostok’s attempts at fast food and the cheeseburger in particular, I am just about ready to give up burgers forever.

Russians in Moscow have the luxury of a McDonalds, but here in Vladivostok the closest thing we have is Magic Burger and in fact it is an insult to say that McDonalds is “close” to Magic Burger.

I suppose the heat lamps used to warm the burgers are just for show, because there is also an army of microwaves lining the counter that nuke the sandwiches right before the customers’ eyes. In the States, the sight of a microwave in a fast food restaurant would be enough to shut the place down in a matter of hours.

Apparently no one worries about false advertising here because the giant menu shows a massive sloppy burger with sauces and toppings oozing out the side. However, the thing that was thrown on my tray was a very distant cousin of that beastly burger.

Despite all that time spent whirling in the microwave, the hunk of cheese about the size of a tea bag was still a cold solid. Of course, in place of ketchup, I found a dollop of mayonnaise - a Russian staple that goes on any dish here. The stale tasteless burger made my taste buds cry out in pain.

As if the hamburger had not been embarrassed enough, the street vendors and corner stores also take a stab at presenting scrumptious burgers as well as hot dogs. My first visit to a hot dog cart was out of my love for hot dogs. My second visit was out of desperation and extreme hunger pains.

If I am lucky I will get a somewhat soft and fresh bun, if not, I end up chucking half of my dog to the birds. Although, I do have to admit that prior to eating Vladivostok hot dogs, I never considered the combination of ketchup and mayonnaise to be appetizing, but now it’s a recipe that I will take home with me.

Compared to the States, it is a little difficult to find French fries here, and when you find them, they are better left unfound. Back to Magic Burger. I never really thought that it was possible to screw up the French fry, but trust me, it is possible.
Fries in most cafeterias are weighed and then microwaved right in front of you. One lady removed a small burnt fry because it exceeded the 200 grams which I ordered. I told my friend that they taste like they are a day old. He laughed and told me they are most likely a week old. Practically every place charges for ketchup. A noble idea since in my childhood I can remember grabbing mountains of ketchup packets only to throw them in the trash on the way out.

Perhaps Americans go to extreme lengths with our fast food habits, but you can not accuse us of not putting any effort into the burger business, with each chain trying to outdo the others in order to win customers.

Each restaurant has their own unique recipe for French fries accompanied by burgers stacked higher and higher with all the fixings. It seems like each week a different chain is introducing a new sandwich with a slightly different combination and layering of meat, cheeses, veggies and of course a “secret sauce.” What delicious creations they manage to pile between two buns!

I could lie and write that Magic Burger in Vladivostok and the other burger joints demonstrate just as much effort, but I will not. There just is not an establishment where one can find a quick decent burger. I suppose I could try the bacon burger at Magic Burger, but only if I was starving to death.

Nevertheless, the fast food situation in Vladivostok makes for an interesting ice breaker with any new Westerners that land here.

To the citizens of Vladivostok I would recommend hopping on the next flight to Inchon, South Korea, and devouring some McDonalds. I most certainly will be stopping there on the way home.